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April 10th, 2008
03:13 pm
On Monday I got drunk off my ass. My caseworker showed up for our meeting. She claims she didn't even know how I managed to answer the door. I don't even remember answering the door. I passed out and puked. My case worker sat in the er with me for a few hours. I remember none of this. I ran away from the er because I didn't want to get sent to detox. The cops caught me on my way to a friend's house. They did a breathalizer on me and it claimed I was still above the legal limit. I didn't feel drunk at all anymore. Detox is horrible. Bunches of horny aggressive guys. They sent all the 2 girls (including me) to the sober wing before we were sober for our safety. Not much better on the sober wing. The tv is supposed to be turned off at 10 am so people concentrate on getting out, which is a joke. There is nothing you can do. You have to wait for a counselor to evaluate you and then you have to wait for the county to pick you up. So you have nothing to do but wait.
The reason why i got drunk was that I was just damn depressed. Penny, my "friend," started a rumor that I fuck like a corpse. I confronted my bf on this and he said he didn't think that nor did he tell penny. Penny says that my depression, cutting and alcohol use is just to get attention and that I should grow up. Sometimes I just can't cope with the flashbacks and panic attacks. But hearing someone say something like that makes you wonder if it is true and get all depressed all over again. Right now I so feel like cutting. If I didn't have clinicals tonight I'd have cut already. I can't miss clinicals. If I do I have to make it up and there is only a small group of people making up clinicals so the instructor would be breathing over my back. I'd hate it. So I'd better not cut and go to clinicals tonight. My strength is wearing out. I don't know how much longer I can resist the urge to cut.
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April 2nd, 2008
03:50 pm
My friend Kylie is living with her friends Kathy and Jim. Kylie made the mistake of having a bad boyfriend. He held her captive for 2 days with a gun. Then she was forced to get a restraining order against him. Now he's calling everyone that knows Kylie's workplaces and saying that they use drugs. He also called in that Kathy and Jim have a pet pig within city limits. Now they have to get rid of the pig in 10 days. They've had the pig for 15 years and are absolutely devastated. Bouncer is such a nice pig. She gets along with everyone including my dog who pesters her constantly whenever she visits. I just wish there was some way I could help the situation. I'm just glad her ex-boyfriend never met me and doesn't know to call my work.
I went to the dentist today. I either need 2 root canals or 2 caps. The dentist hasn't decided yet. I had a filling that got chipped. Bacteria were then able to get behind the filling and cause damage almost to the root. The tooth next to it has a huge gouge out of it. The dentist seemed surprised that I didn't remember any sort of trauma to my tooth. I'm pissed because my previous dentist said that having a chip out of my filling was no big deal. I guess it is. I'll know better next time. lol. Like that helps me now. At least neither of the 2 teeth problems was my fault by not brushing properly or flossing. Now I'm obsessing about the dentist. Bye bye new mp3 player. I need to pay to get my teeth fixed.
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March 28th, 2008
04:43 pm
I don't know why I bother updating my gj anymore. No one is ever on. I have no friends that update anymore.
Well, spring break is drawing to a close. I still have approx 130 pages to read in my school book. My personal goal was to have it done before spring break ended. I can still do it. I wrote a report on the book already for that class. I probably should have finished the book first. Oh well. I know the author's views on death before the end.
I stole, well, borrowed my neighbor's dog. She's much more social than mine. She's laying behind me as I'm on the computer. It's so cute. every now and again I turn around and give her a scratch. My dog is sleeping in the closet. The closet is her fave spot to sleep. My dog is strange. I still love her. She's my baby.
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March 19th, 2008
02:30 pm
Well, I have another date with Shawn this Friday. Were going to play video games at his house. He's a nice enough guy, I'm just not sure I want him as a boyfriend. I'm not physically attracted to him at all. I like this other guy, Rick, who lives an hours drive away from me. He's so hot. Unfortunately he has a girlfriend. I wish he lived closer and didn't have a girlfriend. We're pretty good friends now. We chat on the internet every night. All I can say is that my life would be a lot less dramatic without me having a boyfriend and wanting another. Maybe I'll grow to like Shawn. Who knows. At least he's not a looser. He has a full time plus job and he wants to go to school for video production.
I want to cut so bad. But if I did Shawn would find out and I don't know if I'm ready to explain cutting to him. Plus it hasn't been so long since I've cut myself. I just got served papers to go to court for recommitment. Another year with the county telling me what to do which pills to take, telling me where to live and telling me what I can and can't do. I haven't told my social worker about Shawn yet. I think I might tell her tonight. All I could think about when I was having sex with shawn when I was having sex with him was my rape and childhood abuse. It was very hard on me. Then Shawn asked me if I had had an o. I said "no, I don't ever get them." He seemed surprised. It's hard to have an o while having flashbacks. I can't explain all this to him. I just don't want him to think I'm a total freak and dismiss me. Even though part of me wishes he would dump me so I wouldn't have to worry about sex again. I sorda find sex pleasurable - the flash backs.
Spring break is next week. I'm taking advantage of the time to get my car's oil changed. I need my car every day otherwise. Hard to get your oil changed when you need to drive every day of the week for work and school. I still have to work next week, but I have tuesday and thursday when I don't have to do anything so I'm getting my oil changed tuesday. I'm over 1000 miles overdue for an oil change. I finally have the money due to my getting back on disability. I'm finally not having to worry about every penny I spend and I can contribute to the household. I pay for some of the groceries and pay 1/3 of my income for rent. My mom is actually making a profit having me live with her. I'm happy about this. I hate being a drain on her resources as I am 23 and she doesn't have a very good job. Her job pays the bills, but not much more. She got her condo, car and furniture with the money from her divorce from my father. He bought her out instead of paying her alimony. I don't know why my mom went through with that. She could have gotten a lot more if she had gone to court and gotten the alimony.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://img.greatestjournal.com/mood/moonsis/sad.gif) discontent
Current Music: Weezer-Say it aint so
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March 17th, 2008
01:35 pm
I know I haven't updated here in like forever. I just can't use my livejournal to update because I don't want my friends to read it. I had a blind date last saturday. First date and we had sex. I can't believe it. I didn't want to have sex, but I didn't say no. I'm just incapable of saying no. Now I guess I have a boyfriend that I don't particularly like. He is in no way attractive, but at least he seems like a pretty nice guy in general. He's not a bum. he works 40+ hours a week at the same company that i work for. We did not know this until the date. I really wish I had seen the end of the movie instead of having sex. I just feel like such a fucking whore. The whole time we were having sex all I could think about was the 2 times I had been raped. It was like being raped all over again, even though it was consensual I guess. I just dont' know. I dont' know anymore. Now he'll expect me to have sex every time I see him I'm sure. I just plain don't like sex. It hurts. Guys can't get inside me unless they shove their way in. I'm just so tight. Hurts like a mother fucker. That's all I have to say. I'm such a whore.
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November 28th, 2006
09:46 am
Je vais exécute mes ongles d’orteil orange. Je dois acheter plus de fil pour mon project. Je ne veux pas conduire a Whitewater pour aller au Wal Mart. Je dois aller a la banque aussi. J’y ira a 11 heures, après ER. J’aime ma chienne. Je dois téléphoner mon grand mère. Agh... J’ai beaucoup de choses a faire.
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November 26th, 2006
01:43 pm
Je faisais beaucoup de choses hier. J’ai fait du crochet et j’ai passe beaucoup de temps sur mon ordinateur. Je suis une personne qui déteste être ennuyeuse. Je fais meilleure que je pensais au français. Ma soeur ne puisse pas comprendre le français. Moi, j’ai ris quand elle a attempte de lire mon journal. Ma soeur est de la lune. Elle écoute la musique horrible.... Moi, je dois l’écoute aussi parce que nous sommes dans la même salon.
Alors, je suis nulle en francais!!!!!
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November 25th, 2006
04:16 pm
Je veux pratiquer mon francais, dont ce journal vais etre en francais. Si je ne pratiquer mon francais, hrulez aprez moi. Je dois pratiquer. Si non, je vais oublier tout mon francais et je ne le veut pas. J'ai travaille tres dur de apprendre le francais. Je veux retourner au college et apprendre le francais encore.
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June 21st, 2006
10:37 pm
Crazy... Crazy... Crazy... Want to cut fucking bad. I'm in a supervised apartment, because of cutting. Staff knew I was having a bad day. Called to check up on me. I was so close to cutting... I couldn't ask for help directly. I broke a lightbulb when I was on the phone with staff. I'm a fucking manipulative bitch, I know. I just couldn't do it on my own. I knew I needed help. I couldn't ask. I should have asked. If I asked she would have come anyways. I'm just too chicken. She helped. I'm not as bad now. I don't know. still want to cut. I should go to sleep now. I'm afraid to sleep though. If I don't sleep, I will hurt myself. I'm not as bad as before, but I'm still scared. Gah... frustrating night. I shall try to sleep and maybe it will all go away in the morning. One can only hope. One can only hope to not wake up.
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07:54 am
I'm going on another one of my diets today. I hope I make it. I pretty much don't eat for a couple weeks... literally. Then I slowly start eating again. I loose about 25 pounds when I do this, then gain 5 back in the refeeding process. I think 20 pounds is good. I'm a bit chuncky now. Rick says I don't need to loose weight. I want to loose 40 pounds total. 20 is a good goal for now. I told Rick I only wanted to loose 10 pounds max though. I'm not sure he believed me. Meh.
Current Mood: determined
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June 17th, 2006
01:57 pm - some pics
Here's some picky pics. I've been meaning to post them for a while.
Jezabella, one of my friendly house spiders. It's not a good pic, but my digital camera was not made for good close-ups...
The garden gnome I got for my birthday from the mother.
The mother says that every gnome needs a garden, so I got a plant too.
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June 8th, 2006
09:37 pm
My dog looks sweet, but she has a really menacing gutteral growl... She came in contact with a half rot half pit today. He was a bit horny. She did quite a good job defending herself for a 32 pound dog.
I went to the library today. I went a bit nuts on the entamology books. I really like insects and spiders. I want to get a tatoo. I'm thinking either a wolf spider or some sort of beetle. Six spotted tiger beetle perhaps? I'm just not sure which one or where. Not everyone knows, but I seriously think insects and spiders are cool.
I've had a better day than I've had in a while today. Not great, but better...
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://img.greatestjournal.com/mood/moonsis/okay.gif) okay
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June 7th, 2006
10:49 pm
wierdness. I left my appartement and when I came back it wasn't mine. I know it's mine. All my stuff is here... It doesn't seem like my stuff. The hing is, if this isn't my appartement where do I live? This is all very confusing to me. I turned on my computer and found I could not remember the password. I just started typing and I guess I typed it correctly... I got onto the computer... I just don't get it...
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://img.greatestjournal.com/mood/moonsis/confused.gif) confused
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June 5th, 2006
02:22 pm - wow... I'm updating...
I haven't updated here in forever... I just don't really have many friends on gj... I had a bit of a rough spell too... Suicide attempt... lots of cutting... lots of time in psych hospitals. I think things have mellowed out a bit... I am looking for a job or something now. I have terrible anxiety over it. I get all these applications but chicken out when it comes to filling them out. I want a job but I really don't. I'm sorda odd in that way.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://img.greatestjournal.com/mood/moonsis/angry.gif) annoyed
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September 1st, 2005
09:12 pm
Well, I'm free of the hospital and in my appartement, sans clothing. The saga all starts Tuesday when the staff tells me to pack all my clothes excepth the outfits which I will be wearing the next two days. I do so. The staff take my clothes supposidly to the discharge office. The big release date comes. My case worker is sent to the discharge office for my clothes and some paperwork. She comes back. I suppose the bag of clothes is in the trunk of her car. We get to the appartement. The clothes aren't there. We call the hospital. They say, "oh, yeah, we have them right here... We'll mail them to you..." A few hours later I get a call, "Hi, Is this kate? We don't have your clothes. they were sent to the state launday by accident. If you send us a list of your clothes we could try to find them." How in the hell am I supposed to remember 2 weeks worth of clothes? So, I'm free, but with no clothing. What am I supposed to do untill they go get my clothes??? I only have like 4 outfits... I will be washing my clothes like every day! Grr... I doubt they find all my clothes anyway... I bet they loose my fave stuff too. I'm pissed. What i'm even more pissed about is the fact that when I called the administrator all upset and crying over this mess she said don't worry about it. I'll talk to you latter. said bye. didn't wait for me to say bye and hung up the phone on me! and I'm supposed to be talking to these people! Fucking shit! Like hell if I'm ever going to call her again.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://img.greatestjournal.com/mood/moonsis/stressed.gif) stressed
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August 21st, 2005
04:49 pm
Wow... I dropped off of the end of the world there... I really don't know what to say. I cut and I've been in the hospital for 101 days. I'm on a home visit now. I've been procrastinating on writing this entry because I don't know what to say.
First I was locked up in Mendota. Then I found out that I was going to a long term hospital called Winnebago for 3 or more months. I was freaked. I cut bad at Mendota 2 times so they had to take me to the emergency room. I was there about three weeks. It was terrible. I was on one on one supervision and in a psych gown all the time because I cut.
Then I got to Winnebago. It's lower security than Mendota. I was on one on one for like 2 weeks and after being there about a month I was allowed to go on the weekly trips. we go to dumb places like boat cruises or mini golfing, but once we saw the green bay packers practice. We have weight room and excercise group so it's not too bad. I can tolerate Winnebago. I just miss being free.
We do get rated on everything that we do though. it's dumb. If we slip and make one minor infraction like eat starburst instead of hard candy between meals we get rated down. I can't stand it, but the sad thing is that I know all the rules and am good at not getting rated down.
Now I get home visits and I can update. I'm getting out on the second probably!!!!!!!!! I'm going to live in an assisted appartement with a room mate, her puppy and her cat... Oh my dog is comming too.... Lots of animals. I'm really excited to be getting out.
I think I finally chose a major in school too. Social work. Kate going to become social worker! awesome! I think that's something I would really enjoy. I already signed up for classes at school. I'm only going 1/2 time this semester.
Well. I have to start getting ready to go back to the hospital. I have to leave in an hour. My home visit is already almost over :'(
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://img.greatestjournal.com/mood/moonsis/happy.gif) excited
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April 15th, 2005
09:52 am
Monday night I cut. I was looking at some pictures my mom braught over and they made me upset. I don't feel like going into specifics here. Yucky er. The dr was a fucking bastard. He wasn't mean, but he refused to wait untill the numbing medication worked before stapled the cuts shut. It hurt... It wasn't even worth him puting the numbing medication in. I hate going there. I'm such a waste of the dr's time. I'm a waste of resourses. The way they look at me. I just don't like it.
Then, the next morning I wake up and all the cuts are opening up, the staples aren't holding anything togeother. Had to go back to the er that night and they took the staples out and put new ones in... Now I can get a freaking infection because the doctor did a shitty job. I'm on antibiotics but still...
I actually got rid of all my blades. No more in hiding. I don't want to get kicked out of where I'm staying. i like it here.
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April 9th, 2005
08:01 pm
I went prom dress shopping with my sister today. that was the only good thing that happened today. My sis got a pretty black and green dress with black shoes. Her boy toy better like it! I am perplexed at how much one person must spend on a nice dress now a days. it's crazy. $144 on the dress and $40 for the shoes... Guys get it so easy just having to rent a tux and get a corsage. I mean, girls need the hair and the nails and the make up too... Not cheep.
I woke up to my neighbor next to my bed begging me to go get cigarettes... The whole one on one thing. If I didn't go she couldn't. Well, the cigs weren't even for her. they were for her friend, so we had to drive to her friends house to give her the cigarettes. It turns out that her friend gave my neighbor a pack of cigarettes for getting her some. And what did I get? Nothing. And I was the one who was woken up for this whole ordeal.
I got dragged to three different thrift stores today. And a boring dog show. I told them it'd be boring. I wanted to nap. I was still tired from all the cigarette business from earlier in the morning.
My caseworkers have been on my case about how my cutting could kill me. I don't know what to think about that. What does this death really mean? can you tell me that?
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://img.greatestjournal.com/mood/moonsis/sleepy.gif) tired
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April 5th, 2005
05:13 pm
Last night I binged. And I told the workers here that I was binging... and that I was going to purge. Anyway... By the time I was finished binging, there were 2 workers up here. two. I went to go purge. They both followed. The freaking were instructed to watch me purge. What sort of nonsense is that? My stomach was just so full... It hurt. I got all mad. I got one of them to leave... I just had to purge so bad. I've never done it in front of someone before. I was yelling at her to stop looking... she was turning the other way... After I was done, the worker turned to me and she was almost in tears. I didn't want to make her feel bad. I just wantted to purge in peace.
I had a dr appointment today. I asked him if I could purge in peace and he said it was like asking if I could OD alone... Then a caseworker served me with a bunch of papers about my recomittment. Yuck. i guess the hearing is comming up pretty soon. I really don't like what they say about me.
Current Mood: annoyed
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April 4th, 2005
08:29 pm
I am so torn. Half of me curses the existance of my sister and the other only wants her to be near me.
Saturday she came to visit me, unexpectidly. I was so happy to see her. I hadn't seen her in a long time and uh... Well, we talked for a while, it was sort of ackquard with my having a one on one and all. I don't think she liked it too much. She said she'd come back to see me sunday...
She never came sunday. I called to see when she was comming... no answer... I kept calling... no answer... I just kept getting more and more crazed, calling more and more often. I should have figured out after a while that she wasn't coming. She just made a fool out of me, making me wait virtually all day... I can't believe she said she was comming and didn't. Why does she do such cruel things to me? doesn't she know how much she means to me? She is one of my few contacts outside the supervised apartement.
Anyway. I was totally pissed off. I wanted to cut so bad, but there was a staff member sitting right there. I didn't trust her(Heather), so I told her I wanted to go downstairs to talk to wendy. Then heather said she'd come too. I told her I wanted to go alone because I wanted to talk to wendy. Then Heather gets all pissy and things escalate. I sit on the floor with a pen threatening to stab it into my arm.... I swear at her to get out. I throw the pen twards her, not at her. Heather runs out.
Wendy comes in and tries to talk to me. I wouldn't.
I curse the existance of my sister. How could she abandon me like that?
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://img.greatestjournal.com/mood/moonsis/pissedoff.gif) pissed off
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